It is 4 am and I can't sleep. It is funny because for the past week I have been setting the alarm for 4:30 to make sure I get to the gym to run. The whole week, I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed. But today I am up...nervous, excited, feeling somewhat sick about race day.
I will be up the same time tomorrow getting ready to leave at 5am for the big race...I woke up this morning thinking...knowing I haven't done enough to prepare for the race. Throughout the summer I trained, was reading article after article about running...totally getting into the whole idea of running a half marathon. For the past month, it feels like I have done nothing. Don't get me wrong, I have been exercising...but it's been different, like I am dragging myself through every workout. I know a lot of it has been because I am back to work full time and with Owen back at CHOP every week and Joey with school and football...but lying in bed this morning I couldn't help wondering if I sabotage myself. I think I do this. I think when I get close to a goal I do things to make sure I don't reach it. Not with everything, but with somethings I go full force ahead until I just about get to the end and then stop. Aim...if you are awake, you are really good at these things...you probably know why I do this. I also know I am anxious about meeting everyone tonight at the NF team spaghetti dinner. There are about 100 of us running for the NF team in efforts to raise money for the Children's Tumor Foundation. I am looking forward to meeting people that live with NF, since I haven't met many...most of the parents I meet at CHOP, their children are going through chemo just like Owen, but for many different reasons. I think it is going to be very good to meet families and people with NF, but I also think it is going to be very emotional. It is probably the emotional kick in the butt that I need to get past this whole stopping before I get to my goal thing. 
I know I set out to blog about my kids...but I just needed to rant...thanks...I will surely post after the race tomorrow. On a lighter note Owen had his first "car" shopping cart ride last night. Between that and the lollipop he had at the bank, he was a giggling maniac. Funny Joey quotes over the past couple days, "Barack Obama needs to win...he has a smile on his face everyday I see him." My mom thinks maybe he is watching too much t.v. Another...after his teacher calls to leave us a message about his first 2nd grade "break-down" ..."why does my brain do that?"
I shared these Joey-isms with my students and they were cracking up...the next day at school they asked for more Joey stories. I think I am beginning to fall in love with my c
lass.
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2 comments:
J
I am sooo proud of you! every step you take makes you stronger. every step that you run, every step you make at chop - every step in your life. Lately your life has been on incline - and you never stopped taking steps. where you view yourself as faltering and defeating, I see someone who has won every "race" you entered. tomorrow will be a success bc thats what you do.
all my loves and cheers B:)
Becky is so right- you always win the race- that's what you do.
And, you stopped "training" as hard this month so if you did fail you could blame it on the training and not on yourself. So common, everyone does it.
But guess what, you did it- you did it LOUD and PROUD and throughout our entire relationship I don't think I have ever been more proud of you that I was today- because today was so much more than a race- it was so much more-- and you know it. YOU ROCK GIRL- I love you forever and ever.
Next year I am DOING that race- I want to rise like a phoenix from the ashes like you have- You are my hero. I know B-O-B was smiling from heaven today at his Angela.
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